More about me

I am sure this will not be a new or ground breaking story, but here it is.

For the first 38 years of my life I was living my life as a lie, as a male.  During that period time I did everything that I knew I was expected to do as a male.  I was even married for 10 and a half years, and had two wonderful boys.  But I was constantly depressed which is what led to the end of the marriage.  I wouldn’t have even wanted to have been with me when I was at my lowest.  I actually didn’t want to be with myself and tried to kill myself.

I started seeing therapists in an attempt to figure out why I was depressed all the time.  I was unmotivated and had lost interest in the activities that brought me joy.  One therapist helped me with my anxiety and taught me ways to calm myself down, but we still couldn’t solve the depression.  If I had only been honest with myself and my therapist then I would aided in my recovery.  At the time I thought I might just be a crossdresser and that was just what I did.  It never occurred to me that I was my happiest and calmest when I was dressed.

Here is the cliché part of my story.  Just as I was leaving my therapist Kaitlyn Jenner came out.  I saw her interview and it was then that a light bulb went off and I saw what I had been hiding from myself.  I am a Transgender Woman.  It feels so good to say that.

This started me down the road of finding another therapist and working on my depression.  The next therapist was not what I needed, but she might been what some people need.  The first day that I saw her she was ready with documents so I could get medication and my name changed and everything.  After a couple of visits I knew that I had to find someone who could help me.

At the age of 38; my marriage was over, I was looking for a new job, I had found a new therapist and I knew in my heart that I was transgender.  That year was a year of many firsts for me. I started to live my life as a woman and started my transition.  I had, and still have, an amazing therapist that helps me manage my depression and anxiety.  I still have episodes but they are less sever.

I am now 40 and I am still trying to find myself.  I still have a lot to learn and mistakes will be had.  Have have yet to come out fully as my job does not yet allow it.  I would probably be okay if I came out but I have a government job and in 1 year I will have a permanent status and be much safer.

I will do my best to tell my story about finding myself, at 40.

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